Where Friendships Take Root
Choosing the right place is the antidote to living in the "anti-social century."
We are in the “anti-social century” claims Derek Thompson in the lead article of the February 2025 issue of The Atlantic. Researchers have been writing about the health implications of loneliness for years (a meta study suggests that chronic loneliness has the health equivalent of smoking over a pack of cigarettes a day), but we haven’t been talking as much about a society’s broader desire for alone time.
Alone vs. Loneliness
There are significant differences between alone time and loneliness. Alone time refers to being physically by oneself. It is often chosen voluntarily and can be restorative, helping individuals recharge, reflect, or pursue personal interests. It can also be a healthy and necessary part of life when balanced with social interactions, particularly for introverts. Examples include taking a quiet walk alone or reading a book in solitude.
On the other hand, loneliness refers to a subjective emotional state where one feels isolated or disconnected, even in the presence of others. It is typically unwanted and associated with negative emotions such as sadness or emptiness and can arise from unmet social needs or a lack of meaningful relationships. Examples include feeling alone in a crowded room or missing close connections despite being physically around people.
In essence, alone time is a neutral or positive experience when chosen, while loneliness reflects an unfulfilled desire for connection.
Alone Time at Scale Has Consequences
What happens when people in scale choose more alone time? We’re starting to find out. As Derek Thompson points out, “self-solitude might just be the most important social fact of the 21st century in America.” This alone time is, in part, triggering a “friendship recession.”
We know that friendships are not just a function of chemistry but of time. By some accounts, it takes more than 200 hours, ideally over a concentrated period of six weeks, for a stranger to grow into a close friend.
British anthropologist and evolutionary psychologist, Robin Dunbar is an expert on friendships and the author of the book, Friends: Understanding the Power of Our Most Important Relationships. He is credited with “Dunbar’s Number”, a notion that there is a cognitive limit on human groups of about 150 individuals. In his framework, he views friendships as a series of different types of friends based on levels of commitment and chemistry ranging from close friends (~5 people), best friends (~10 people), good friends (~35 people), and friends more broadly (100) to arrive at his 150 friends figure. It takes considerable time to move from one level of friendship, say a good friend, to a deeper type of friendship, such as a best friend. It also takes a meaningful amount of time to maintain close friends.
If more people choose more alone time, it takes away critical opportunities for building and nurturing relationships from acquaintances to close friends.
Place Can Help or Hurt Efforts to Make Friends
Contemporary design is creating more hurdles to making space for friends. Homes are getting larger – from 1973 to 2023, the size of the average new single-family house increased by 50 percent – yet the frequency of hosting friends for parties, games, dinners and so on have declined by about 2/3rds since the 1970s. Bobby Fijan, a real estate developer, observes that modern apartments are designed primarily for screens and digital entertainment to the point that it’s as if “we’re building for aloneness.”
It doesn’t have to be this way. Places can be designed and activated to create connections. Front porches. Accessible third places, like parks, libraries and coffee shops. Kitchens designed for hosting friends. Living on a block where neighbors know each other
Place Planning Helps Find Where Friendships Take Root
Fortunately, as individuals, many of us have the agency to choose places that help nudge us to our desired levels of social connectedness. At the country, region or metropolitan levels, some places are prosocial relative to others. For example, in broad strokes, researchers have found that the Midwest generally ranks higher in social capital – the networks of relationships among people who live and work in a particular society, enabling that society to function effectively – than the Southwest, for example.
A decision to live in a smaller home closer to others rather than a large home in an exurb can positively influence friendships. Less time is spent getting from place to place and you are more likely to spontaneously bump into others regularly.
Also, it’s not just about the place; it’s about how we choose to engage in life where we live. We have an opportunity to create rituals that help build and nurture friendships. Have friends over. Join a club. Walk with friends on a regularly scheduled basis. Place shapes our environment, but our habits dictate our outcomes.
These considerations are especially important for those in the second half of life. Making friends can be difficult later in life and our need for friends and community can be especially important as we age. Solo agers, in particular, should be mindful that our broader culture may make aging more challenging.
For many of us living in the anti-social century, being intentional about where to live – Place Planning – will be instrumental in enabling friendships to take root.